I’m Struggling With My Mental Health
I’m a fighter.
That’s probably the most important thing to mention. I don’t like giving up. Often I like to prove myself and others wrong. If someone tells me I can’t do something, I’ll do that exact thing and more. That’s just who I am.
So it’s weird when I second guess myself. Every day I second guess myself. Before I go to sleep I lay there and just think, and juggle through different things.
“Should I do it?”
“What will they think?”
are the questions I often ask myself. Sure, you could call me an overthinker. But I can’t help myself. My anxiety rips my mind apart. All I ever do is think. Thinking about my next steps. Thinking what I will say to that girl. Thinking what I will say to my boss. And most of the time I don’t even say anything. That’s why if you know anyone I know everyone will say I’m quiet. That’s because I never want to say the wrong thing or act weird. I want to be normal and it’s hard to be normal — at least in this day and age.
The most important thing is….
I’m not happy with myself.
I’m not happy with life.
Work….
I wake up every day and always got to drag myself out of bed. As Blink-182 once said “Work sucks, I know”. That’s how I feel. I feel like that’s how everyone feels. Work is never fun. You wake up every day, glaring at the ceiling repeating the words “God damn it!” then go into the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror to do the exact same thing. Work is one of the main thing that triggers my mental health. I can’t deal with repetition and that is work. Work is the same shit every day.
- Clock in
- Check Emails
- Look at the route sheet to see your Team
- Take Phone and Work Keys
- Examine area and make sure your Team is doing their job
- Answer phone call and delegate issues
- Fill out checklist to make sure I did everything I was suppose to
- Pass down to the next Lead
- Clock out
That is the process of my day, every day. It’s tiring. I’m not like anyone else. I’m not good with the same ole’ shit. I need change. I need something different every day.
Not everyone can make money just by blinking. I’m not Elon Mush or Bill Gates. I’m just a normal guy that has to work a 9–5 job.
Life can be fun but I don’t see it as fun.
I want to be happy. I want to live a life where I can wake up and not dread the rest of my day. I want a steady love life, but most importantly, I want to love myself. I can’t love someone without loving myself. The dream is to have a family but how can I do that when I just want to eliminate myself from the outside?
I try to find different hobbies but never have the energy to do anything. Heck, I barely was able to sit down and write this but here I am… Writing use to be fun but — like I said earlier — I always second guess myself. I don’t think I’m that good of a writer and I don’t think no one will read my stuff.
Anxiety sucks.
Depression sucks.
It’s time for change.
This is why I’m here on Medium. It’s time for me to make a change in my life. I need to stop second guessing myself. I need to stop caring what people think of me. I’m 33 years old. I can be better and I will be better. It’s time to express myself with words. I want to help people and make sure they don’t fall down the same dark hole I’ve fallen down countless time. Life is more than just work. You can make life fun. I can make life fun.
My name is Sean Prime but you can call me, P.S. Parker and here are my stories….
Follow along with me. Shall you?
